14th October 2010

Went to the Tate Modern.

When people walk round there, they adopt a sort of respectful amble. It's really annoying. Amble, amble, amble. Like that. "Get a fucking move on you idiots! I've seen continents move faster than that! It's just a bit of old driftwood poking out of a bucket ya morons. Anyone could do it!"

There was an exhibition called "Money 4 Old Rope" where artists had slung bits of old crap together and sold it for millions of pounds. There were works called "Are you having a laugh?" (a bit of old red carpet hanging from the ceiling) "You've been done like a kipper" (literally some rubbish on the floor) and "Air Conditioning Vent" (an air conditioning vent that I spent 10 mins admiring until the attendent told me it really was just an air conditioning vent) Imagine how cross I was. Yes. That cross.

Anyway I went to see what was in the Turbine Hall. It was a sort of mad installation by artist Ai "Show me the" Wei Wei. Millions of what look like Sunflower seeds. I was a bit peckish so I nibbled on one. It took ages to get into the bugger and it was a bit crunchy. Picture my surprise when I found that they are actually made from china and they weren't real. They were all hand painted by people in China.

Then I went to see Restrepo at poncy art house cinema The Renoir in Brunswick Square.

Altogether quite a poncy day but one in which I think I broadened my mind. Oh and I stole five of the Chinese china sunflower seeds. I think everyone was also nicking them, so the exhibition will be all gone by next Wednesday I confidently predict.

15th October - Emergency Update.

The Tate Modern has banned people from walking on the seeds. Apparantly something to do with the ceramic dust residue floating about in the air like a sort of mad porcelain alveoli shredding death dust for lungs or something.

You are only now allowed to look at it from the balcony. Which, as you can see from my picture at the top, looks no more arty than a big grey carpet. Crapet more like.

But the good thing is no one will be able to nick the little seeds. Making my five worth about £8800 each. There or thereabouts.