Spag Bol

Hardly anyone has been asking me what my recipe for my Infamous World Famous Spag Bol is. People who have tasted it have reported that it is:-
"The best Spag Bol I've ever tasted!"  - Liz's brother.
"My best one yet!" - Me.
"Goes down a real threat." - A person.

So I bring it to you here.
Ingredients:

500g of minced beef (Lean. Not lean. Who cares? Not me that's for sure).
1 onion about the size of a large apple or a normal sized onion.
1 carrot. Get one of a size that you feel uncomfortable having in your basket in case anyone thinks you're planning to use it as a dildo.
1 Beef stock. (Use a cube, liquid, one of those stockpots or the posh stuff from Waitrose's. Again I simply could not care less).
1 pot pourri. Not pot pourri. I mean one of those little tea bags full of herbs that you drop in...what are they called? It's like pot pourri. I want to say "salad garnis" but it's not that either. Anyway you know what I mean.
Red wine. Just pour some in.
1 large can of chopped tomatoes.
1 small can of chopped tomatoes. (Sometims I get 1 small can of plum tomatoes. Why?
By mistake. The bloody cans look the same - it's ever so annoying.)
Some galic paste out of a tube of garlic paste. (See below)
Some tomato puree out of a tube of tomato puree (The trick with these last two items is to look in your cupboard before you go out to buy the minced beef, to see if you already have some. This avoids one of two things happening.
a)You cook everything and then find you have no tomato puree/garlic paste and then have to go back down to the bloody shop you were in 20 minutes ago.
b) You buy some then when you come to cook the Bol, you discover you already have three fucking unopened bloody tubes from the last three arseing times you went Spag Bol shopping without looking to see if you had any - Just look, is all I'm saying).
Some Mushroom Ketchup. Don't question it. Just do it. This is the secret ingredient.
1 some olive oil. Just olive oil. It dosn't get more complicated than that.
1 sugar. Takes the edge off of it.
Spag.

Method

Look in the cupboard for a frying pan and a big saucepan. Place them on the hob.
Switch the radio on. My preferred station is Radio 4 Extra.
Take your jumper off. You're probably going to be losing your temper later so you don't want to be overhot.
Maybe crack a beer open, maybe not. Depends.
Get the onion, take off the outer layers to a depth of about one more than you really wanted to. Cut it in half. Then chop the bastard into really small pieces. Use your knife to move this little pile to the side of the breadboard.
Peel the carrot. I use a carrot peeler. May as well.
Cut it in half and then chop that orange bastard into tiny pieces too. That'll teach it a lesson it won't forget. You may find the little pile of chopped onion interferes with your smooth knife action. It can't be helped.
Pour some olive oil into the large pan and turn on the burner. Scoop all the little bits of carrot and onion into the pan.
About 3 mins later pour a bit more olive oil into the frying pan and turn on the burner. Open the packet of minced beef and tip it into the frying pan. Remove the little bit of paper from the bottom of the minced beef - Ponder for a minute how tempted you are, to sink your teeth into the raw minced beef. Snap out of it.
Break the beef up and fry the fuck out of it.
Worry that you should have started cooking the beef 2 mins earlier as the onion is starting to go a bit brown.
Turn the heat up on the beef and really let it rip.
When there are no or not many pink bits of beef left, tip the beef into the saucepan.
Relax. That's the worst bit over.
More or less just tip all the remaining ingredients into the saucepan. In these amounts.

Red wine: Start pouring then stop. You will have not put enough in. Pour in some more then put the bottle of wine down. Then pick it up and put a bit more in. That will be the exactly the correct amount.
Garlic paste: Think to yourself how much you like garlic then start squeezing the tube. When you think you have put in a bit too much Stop. Perfect.
Tomato puree: Just go for it. Squeeze it in there. Until the Bol goes red.
Mushroom Ketchup: You can over do it. Say this to yourself as you pour. "Not too much...bit more...bit more... that's it."
Sugar: About a teasponful. You know. Just to take the edge off of it.

Put the lid on the saucepan (You will find this lid either in a different cupboard than the pan or a cupboard you've never noticed before).
Pop it on the smallest burner on the hob and turn the heat down. Cook her for as long as you want. She just gets better and better the more you cook. She is not a cruel mistress and will reward you for patience.
When you have watched something about World War 2 on the History Channel, pop out and give her a stir. After Scrapheap Challenge, pop the kettle on. When it's boiled pour the water into ANOTHER saucepan and put in some Spag. No need to put an amount here, you will find that you will naturally put in way more than you can actually eat. Add a pinch of salt and boil the bejesus out of it for 10 mins.

Serve.