How to be a Chinese pedestrian.

Today you discover me strolling the boulevards of Shanghai town of which the picture above is a typical example. What better time to jot down a few pointers of how to walk “The Chinese Way”? All the experience I’ve gained of walking in the UK by alternately putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again is of no use here. Walking and being Chinese is a much more complicated task requiring concentration, excellent peripheral vision and an uncanny ability, a sixth sense if you will, of being able to detect the approach of someone directly behind you, so you can really get in their way.

For this is the prime object of the Chinese pedestrian. It’s not enough simply to get from Ai to Xhoujiabang Lu using your legs. No. It must be combined with stopping other people doing the same thing.

The first thing you’ll notice is that the pavements are narrow. This is so that one tiny little, bandy-legged Chinese lady can block an entire pavement with a well timed dither. So what are the rules?

1.                     1. As mentioned above, only dither in bottlenecks. It’s a narrow pavement but if you can stop to examine some air or whatever the hell it is that’s suddenly so important you have to screech to an abrupt halt, next to a tree, a row of bikes or a stationary little old lady, so much the better.

2.                   2. Better still, make sure that it’s a pavement with railings so that people can’t even take their chances in the traffic to get past you,

3.                 3. If you detect someone approaching fast from behind, perhaps someone with somewhere to go or          something to do, try to veer into their path.

4.  If they change direction veer back again. And keep veering. 

5. Walk at a speed that is too slow for a person who actually has a life, to stay behind, but too fast to overtake before another Chinese person approaches from the other direction to block any fleeting overtaking “windows”.   

6. If there are three of you, so much the better. Simply walk very slowly in line abreast, preferably holding hands. No one’s going to get past that slowly rolling pavement block.

 iv.  If you approach someone “head on” DO NOT make any effort to allow them a space to pass. Keep going straight at them. Preferably just walk into them and barge them out the way (note – If a collision does occur, be surprised that there’s another person on the planet except you. I know it’s one of the biggest cities in one of the most populous countries in the world but be genuinely surprised. Almost as if you are a bit selfish).

8.                  f. Spit.

xi     If all the above fails, you have to play dirty. Drive your motorbike on the pavement. At pedestrians. Fast. If you’re approaching from behind do it on an electric one. That way they can’t hear you coming. Beep your horn at them at the last minute and yell something in Mandarin. Puts the shits right up them.

There it is. The 9 step guide on how to walk the authentic Chinese way.