Fashion's Winter Season - A 10 step "how to" guide

Getting hold of this season's must haves can be a distressing time for the Generation X male, of which I consider myself, a splendid example.
Shops are full of assistants asking complicated questions and saying "hello" to you. And shops are full to the brim with lady shoppers doing that strange, vacant, oblivious thing they do when any common sense they might have had, is rendered impotent by the all enveloping prospect of buying things. It's like they're possessed or something.
They stand in an aisle cheerfully blocking it while they examine two identical garments, they dart alarmingly into your path when they spot something "to die for" in their peripheral vision, they veer from side to side as they are, in turn, attracted by a new thing on one side, then another new thing on the other side, they stand on the left of the down escalator (their brains are so full of happiness at the important thought of purchasing new things, they cannot remember that there actually are other people on the planet).

But don't worry my friends. Here is an indispensible guide to shopping. Throughout the process try to give women a wide berth to allow for abrupt stops and sudden, unannounced changes of direction. Try to avoid eye contact. Don't try things on. (Why would you ? You should just be buying replacements for the stuff you brought last year, identical except without holes or toothpaste dribbles down the front). Same colour, same size. It's not rocket science.

1. Look in your cupboard or chest of dawers or on the bedroom floor. Note the sizes of the garments you wish to replace. Don't write it down. You'll be needing to forget this important detail later on.

2. Go to Uniqlo.

3. Try to locate the stuff you want from outside the shop.

4. Try to remember the location of the garments you require. Like Robocop targeting villains.

5. Go in.

6. Walk straight to the target locations.

7. Pick up what you want in the sizes that you bought it in last year (or the year before) if you can remember. If you can't remember take off all the clothes you are wearing and look at the labels. Or simply buy L and hope for the best.

8. Go to till.

9. Pay the lady.

10. Leave.

This is what I did yesterday. Here it is. Jumper (x2). Pant (x 2pr). T-shirt (x2). All in nice bland grey, white or black. £52. Voila. All shopping for the Winter 2010 Season done in 8 mins flat.

Shop 'til you stop, me boys! (Should take no more than 10 mins).
Then drink. Drink like you've never drunk before. Why? Because you're worth it.