Ightham. Nearly done.

Joe Austin: Joe hasn't acquired a nickname. Don't know why. Perhaps because Joe sounds quite nicknamey anyway and Austin is impossible to nicknamise. If he DID have a nickname it might be, for reasons that will become clear, Will O' the Wisp. Mainly because the first bit sounds like Willy, which is automatically funny, but also because of his unique fielding style.

If we were comparing Ightham CC to a Panzer Division in 1941 we'd be wildly off the mark as they were professional, well equipped and could hit stuff they aimed at but if we were to ignore that and press on with this unlikely metaphor that we so foolishly embarked on, Joe would be the division's reserve. ie held back until we'd had all had our tanks blown up underneath us by T34's or we'd hidden behind a tree or run away. Joe then steps into the breach.
In short he can't play every week but will climb into his "Tiger" (a German tank - but in this metaphor, "play cricket") every now and then to save the day.
Joe never bowls. Why this should be so is a mystery but maybe the contraption that holds his body together perhaps goes someway to explain. Before every game Joe clambers into the complicated web of elasticated strapping, rope and pulley systems, ratchets and torque returns that hold his body together long enough to play a game of cricket, eat some cake, launch his bat with a blood curdling cry at the bowling of the enemy and sit around talking shit with idiots.
Batting. Textbook Ightham batting technique. Has more than once saved the day when batting low in the order. He deceives the oppo into thinking he's rubbish by basically being  rubbish for a bit, then becoming, in the blink of an eye, brilliant and launching a six or two back over the bowler's head with drives of a straightness rarely seen at ICC headquarters.
But it is Joe's fielding that sets him apart from the rest of the team. Literally. Sometimes by many miles.
It's known as the Austin Drift and it is this idiosyncratic but effective style of fielding that would earn him the nickname Willy O' the Wisp if we could be arsed to think of one.
Don't get me wrong. Joe's fielding is as brave, foolhardy and hilarious as the rest of us, it's just that Joe's compass is on the blink.
Let me explain. Usually fielders are carefully placed by our skipper according to some nonsensical plan he has made up in his head and once placed, we are meant to stay there. However Joe is a free spirit. Not one to be tied down, as soon as you take your eyes off him he will wander far and wide, appearing and disappearing like a woodland nymph. At once here and not here. Matter and anti-matter at the same time.
Of course in a higher standard of cricket where fielders are placed specifically according to the delivery the bowler plans to bowl, a fielder wandering off from his position would be a problem. But since none of our bowlers seem to know what day it is, let alone what they plan to bowl, it actually becomes a tactical advantage. Becoming visible and invisible at will, it sometimes appears to the opposition batsman that we have 27 players on the field, 3 on the pavilion roof, 1 in Cherbourg and another one peeing in the orchard.
Joe Austin: Tiger. Drifter. Woodland nympher.