Hamburg. Zwei (two).

I'm back in Hamaburg again. Came back last week and I'm out here again this week. Not much to add apart from it's a bally sight warmer out here than the last time I ventured into Euroland. Last evening I was sharing a Duckstein or two with Rob (bloke I'm working with)  sat outside a bar in Hamburg's equivalent of Crouch End. Which is itself London's equivalent of a place inhabited by hippy dippy, yoghurt crunching, middle classes.
In a T-shirt. If you did that in London's Crouch End you would be in a wet T-shirt. Which for my one American reader is because it hasn't stopped raining in Britain since they declared a hosepipe ban. My mother really took this ban to heart and threw away her hosepipe altogether. Why? Incase they discovered it and locked her in jail. In her head the hosepipe was the horticultural equivalent of "drug parapenalia" and damning evidence of wrongdoing on her part. So we destroyed this, in my opinion cirumstantial, evidence of her not using her hosepipe by hoying it into the tip. "Better safe than sorry when dealing with the hosepipe police" is, was and always will be, her motto.

Anyway look at this photo advertising a show by two famous German comedians. Here they are taking the mickey out of Chinese peoples by adopting a face that is frowned upon in the UK. And China. But not Tibet. Anyway I bet it's a hell of a hoot.

All this toing and froing between Hamburg, Shanghai, London and Hastings has awakened in me a visceral hatred of an object and its users. Here is a picture of it below. *Shudder*




Look at this massive bellend. Man up. It's the size of half of a medium sized dog. Or a quarter of a large one. Or an eight of a lion or....you get the idea. It's small is all I'm trying to say.

On my flight over here a business man was trying to fit a wheelie bag into the overhead lockers. The bag would have fitted in, just, if there had been several factors in his favour.
1) He hadn't been a enormous douchebag (American for fucking idiot).
2) No one else on the entire plane had also wanted to put hand lugage in the overhead bin.
3) Everyone else on the plane hadn't also been a fucking idiot.
4) He hadn't been last on the plane and everyone's hand luggage was already packed in tighter than a nun's fan belt.
I settled back to watch the show. There's nothing I like better than seeing a wheelie bag user in distress. It's not an admirable characteristic but I make up for it by being hilarious (I bloody am), having a large number of amusing faces to deploy, being able to imitate almost any foreign accent in the world, having a big nose and shouting loudly when people only ever call me on my mobile when I am driving. Honestly - I only have to engage 1st gear to go from pariah to most popular man on the planet. (I often wonder if I am in the Thrueman Show and people only do things when they know it will most annoy me but that's a paranoia for another post.)
Anyway. He tried shoving - No joy. He tried moving back and forth - No joy. He tried a pitiful look at the stewardess - No joy. So he had to resort to the one thing he didn't want to do. Moving other people's stuff about to try to make room. It was like trying to do a massive 3D jigsaw puzzle, while a plane load of people and one grinning idiot looked on, while trying not to be a bellend but in reality being a bellend and while wanting desperately to shout "GO IN YOU FUCKING STUPID CASE!" ie. impossible.
Eventually his exertions resulted in someone else's case popping out, that person standing up and shoving it back in and the stewardess finally doing her job and taking the fucking stupid wheelie bag and hurling it out the window. Actually stowing it away somewhere (and hopefully kicking it for the entire journey).
Right. Back to work. Bah.