We've all been there. You're on holiday, the sun is up, the beer is a'flow and you're wondering what on earth could make this heaven on earth better, when your eyes light upon a cactus that looks a bit like a cock. And suddenly you know.
You realise that if you position yourself perfectly next to the cactus, allow perspective to work its magic and get your mate to take a picture of it, you can make it look like you've got a massive cactus for a cock.
Who wouldn't? No one I know that's for sure.
Under ideal conditions this is not normally a problem and hilarity and hero status quickly ensue.
At this point in the guide I think it wise to point out what the ideal conditions are before we move on to the trickier executions of this classic image, such as I have just encountered in Lindos of all places, on Rhodes of all islands, after a wedding of all....errmmm.....errrmmm.....a wedding.
Essential requirements for the execution of the perfect cactus/cock picture:-
a) A cactus in the shape of a cock.
b) You need to be completely pissed.
c) Privacy from the sort of people empowered to put a dampner on such horseplay (bar staff, the Old Bill, bouncers, parents, people who lack the sophisticated sense of humour essential to the appreciation of this textbook joke).
d) A 360 degree, flat area, free of obstacles, within a 2 foot radius of your target cactus . (Not only do you need room to construct the ideal perspective, don't forget that you're completely pissed and that the target cactus is likely to be armed with spikes, so surface flatness and freedom from obstacles are best. You know. From a health and safety perspective.)
I'm not going into the whole "how to take the shot" instructions. Suffice to say that if you can't work them out for yourself then really you shouldn't be reading this blog.
Allow me to paint a picture in words (and then show you the actual picture) of our Lindos Effort. It's not the best cock/cactus shot but given the difficult nature of surroundings, not too bad at all. There were a number of eventualities that weren't in our favour.
Number 1. We were in a restaurant containing barstaff, several parents (including the mother and father of both groom and bride) and quite a lot of people who lacked what in Internet dating terms is entitled, a GOSH.
Number 2. The cactus was growing out of the side of an almost perpendicular rocky outcrop at the side of the restaurant.
Number 3. The nearest flat surface to the cactus though right in front of it, contained a table and two chairs and some other stuff which I was too pissed to be able to see.
That's right my one reader, the only thing we had going for us was that we were completely pissed.
Turns out that was plenty.
Bridgey (who my regular reader will know is the skipper of the Mighty Ightham Cricket Club) simply stood in front of the cactus and arched his back a bit, plastered a stupid grin on his face and thereby achieved the implication that he had a cactus for a cock. As you can see the joke was further enhanced with the fortuitous presence of a rope mid-shaft, which Bridgey was then able to insist loudly, was "there to prevent my cock getting out of control."
I think it's brilliant stuff but as ever. Is it a cock? Is t a cactus. I simply don't know. You be the judge.
You realise that if you position yourself perfectly next to the cactus, allow perspective to work its magic and get your mate to take a picture of it, you can make it look like you've got a massive cactus for a cock.
Who wouldn't? No one I know that's for sure.
Under ideal conditions this is not normally a problem and hilarity and hero status quickly ensue.
At this point in the guide I think it wise to point out what the ideal conditions are before we move on to the trickier executions of this classic image, such as I have just encountered in Lindos of all places, on Rhodes of all islands, after a wedding of all....errmmm.....errrmmm.....a wedding.
Essential requirements for the execution of the perfect cactus/cock picture:-
a) A cactus in the shape of a cock.
b) You need to be completely pissed.
c) Privacy from the sort of people empowered to put a dampner on such horseplay (bar staff, the Old Bill, bouncers, parents, people who lack the sophisticated sense of humour essential to the appreciation of this textbook joke).
d) A 360 degree, flat area, free of obstacles, within a 2 foot radius of your target cactus . (Not only do you need room to construct the ideal perspective, don't forget that you're completely pissed and that the target cactus is likely to be armed with spikes, so surface flatness and freedom from obstacles are best. You know. From a health and safety perspective.)
I'm not going into the whole "how to take the shot" instructions. Suffice to say that if you can't work them out for yourself then really you shouldn't be reading this blog.
Allow me to paint a picture in words (and then show you the actual picture) of our Lindos Effort. It's not the best cock/cactus shot but given the difficult nature of surroundings, not too bad at all. There were a number of eventualities that weren't in our favour.
Number 1. We were in a restaurant containing barstaff, several parents (including the mother and father of both groom and bride) and quite a lot of people who lacked what in Internet dating terms is entitled, a GOSH.
Number 2. The cactus was growing out of the side of an almost perpendicular rocky outcrop at the side of the restaurant.
Number 3. The nearest flat surface to the cactus though right in front of it, contained a table and two chairs and some other stuff which I was too pissed to be able to see.
That's right my one reader, the only thing we had going for us was that we were completely pissed.
Turns out that was plenty.
Bridgey (who my regular reader will know is the skipper of the Mighty Ightham Cricket Club) simply stood in front of the cactus and arched his back a bit, plastered a stupid grin on his face and thereby achieved the implication that he had a cactus for a cock. As you can see the joke was further enhanced with the fortuitous presence of a rope mid-shaft, which Bridgey was then able to insist loudly, was "there to prevent my cock getting out of control."
I think it's brilliant stuff but as ever. Is it a cock? Is t a cactus. I simply don't know. You be the judge.
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| Note lady on the left at the bar laughing uproariously. |
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